I am perjuring myself big time. No matter how much I want to exorcise your phantoms, the memory lingers in the back of my mind like a movie with a bad editing. Scenes thrown in my face and I am a spectator of my own tragic life story. I cut the scenes until I have everything I wanted just to get through the day or night and anything in between. Conversations running amock in my head I have to write it down before I spill it and drown myself.
It was one of those weekends when I spent the afternoon in your place. I was curled in the sofa reading a Jeffrey Archer novel whilst you were working on something. Value Engineering you said. We are both comfortable with silence, your fingertips making subtle sounds on your notebook, Dave Matthew's Band crooning softly in the back ground. I feel you staring at me, and I look up. Tenderness written in your eyes and you asked me, "Would you like to come with me to Istanbul someday?" I pondered for a second and beamed, "I would love to,". You smiled your gentle smile and went on to what you are doing. I saw you in a different way then and I have the urged to sit in your lap and bury my face in your neck, inhaling your scent. But I did not.
I played a dangerous game of who gives more and gives in much. I cannot say the words you want to hear, I thicky veiled what I feel, what I want, what I need until I made you lose interest and when you tried to bridge the gap, I throw it aside with the grief of a child. You treated my immaturity with patience and laughter and all I did was stomped my feet in pure brattiness.
"Do you miss me?", you asked after days of silence owing to a huge and bitter fight. "I will not respond to that," I retorted. "Do you miss me?", you asked again. "Why, who wants to know?" I said this time tinged with sarcasm. For the third time you asked again, "Do you miss me?" I thrown my hand in exasperation. "No, I don't!", I snapped angrily.You heaved a loud sigh and calmly said, "You are cold, callous and indifferent. I am trying to make things better even by words and you are pushing me away!"
I said good bye and prepared myself for the inevitable. I walked out on what we have with enough dignity I can muster, overbearing enough, my ego catching up with me, this time not to walk beside me regally but to give me a hard smack in the head sending me reeling back to reality. Reality of my own self destruction. I made demands I cannot even meet half way. I decide on things I cannot even begin to comprehend. I lied and did things that cannot be redeemed. It's over. Khalas. And all is left with me are the scenes playing tricks in my head, the sound of your voice, the rumble of your laughter, your scent, Mont Blanc in a rainy afternoon.
"Don't move!", you warned as you painted red lacquer on my toenails. I was giggling of the absurdity of you doing my nails. "Stop it or I'll smear all of these on your feet. You have such small feet, ok, it's done, now let's put it up to dry." I put my legs on the centre table, admiring my newly pedicured feet. "Not bad, not bad at all," I beamed happily as I planted small kisses on your unshaven face.
I have the uncanny habit of ruining something good, something extra ordinary. I am a coward of the worst kind, insensitive bordering to egocentric. Stay away from me if you want not to lose something essential -- belief in commitment, faith & love, trust and fulfillment.
"Hi, can you come down and meet me?" I was catching the tail of my dreams when the incessant ringing of my phone brought me back to the present tide -- with the sound of your voice in the other end of the line. "Come on, it's already 11:45 and I am already in my pajamas", I complained sleepily. "It's ok, I saw you with less than that," you said, your voice laced with amusement. I sleepwalk through the dimmed parking lot looking like a roadkill and I don't care at all. Yes, you've seen the worst and best in me and accepted me and loved me all the same, in fact more than anyone can.
Maybe more than anyone could ever be.
"Do you miss me?", you asked after days of silence owing to a huge and bitter fight. "I will not respond to that," I retorted. "Do you miss me?", you asked again. "Why, who wants to know?" I said this time tinged with sarcasm. For the third time you asked again, "Do you miss me?" I thrown my hand in exasperation. "No, I don't!", I snapped angrily.You heaved a loud sigh and calmly said, "You are cold, callous and indifferent. I am trying to make things better even by words and you are pushing me away!"
I said good bye and prepared myself for the inevitable. I walked out on what we have with enough dignity I can muster, overbearing enough, my ego catching up with me, this time not to walk beside me regally but to give me a hard smack in the head sending me reeling back to reality. Reality of my own self destruction. I made demands I cannot even meet half way. I decide on things I cannot even begin to comprehend. I lied and did things that cannot be redeemed. It's over. Khalas. And all is left with me are the scenes playing tricks in my head, the sound of your voice, the rumble of your laughter, your scent, Mont Blanc in a rainy afternoon.
"Don't move!", you warned as you painted red lacquer on my toenails. I was giggling of the absurdity of you doing my nails. "Stop it or I'll smear all of these on your feet. You have such small feet, ok, it's done, now let's put it up to dry." I put my legs on the centre table, admiring my newly pedicured feet. "Not bad, not bad at all," I beamed happily as I planted small kisses on your unshaven face.
I have the uncanny habit of ruining something good, something extra ordinary. I am a coward of the worst kind, insensitive bordering to egocentric. Stay away from me if you want not to lose something essential -- belief in commitment, faith & love, trust and fulfillment.
"Hi, can you come down and meet me?" I was catching the tail of my dreams when the incessant ringing of my phone brought me back to the present tide -- with the sound of your voice in the other end of the line. "Come on, it's already 11:45 and I am already in my pajamas", I complained sleepily. "It's ok, I saw you with less than that," you said, your voice laced with amusement. I sleepwalk through the dimmed parking lot looking like a roadkill and I don't care at all. Yes, you've seen the worst and best in me and accepted me and loved me all the same, in fact more than anyone can.
Maybe more than anyone could ever be.
