It was a night of mismatched stars. I stayed ensconced in the warmth of his embrace. I buried my face on his chest inhaling his scent. He was whispering about leaving the restaurant, I was lost in the notion of dreaming. He gently pat my bottom for us to move, clasping my hands, half dragging me. His stride is always long and I have to keep up momentarily to catch his motions. This is always the case with him -- making the decisions and expecting me to come along. We reached the car park and he opened the passenger door for me. I slide stiffly and warily eyed him as he stared ahead on the empty space ahead of us. He took my hands and gently squeezed it, placing gentle kisses on each of my fingers and as he slowly inch towards me. He cupped my face, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead, on my cheeks, the tip of my nose, my chin and finally on my lips. I opened my mouth in protest, to stop whatever he has in mind, but he hushed me with the assault of his lips. It was gentle and rough, his tongue sliding in my mouth demanding to be reciprocated. He bit my lower lips very gently, his tongue circling my mouth with such intensity making me breathless and dizzy with emotions. I want to kiss him back, equaling his passion but I can't. So many things happened, so many that I can't move, I can't keep up.
He sensed my mood and stared at me long and hard, jaws clenched. He gripped the wheel, about to start the car. "No," I protested. "We really, really need to talk." I said quietly. He drew a very laboured breath and sighed. "Okay, we will talk."
"Why are you here, what do you want from me, why after all these months you decided to show up again?" I asked, not pausing for a break.
He looked at me. "I never left, that is the first; second, I have been missing you, and third, I missed you," he said this very softly looking at me sideways. I was doumbfounded by his audacity, I snorted. "Okay, I expect that reaction from you, after all I never expected a warm welcome," he smiled briefly. I was caught off guard, my emotions in rampage, I was struggling to keep a non chalant demeanor. I heaved a heavy sigh and prepared what I have to say, careful on my words, thinking coherently.
"It is different now, a lot of things happened, you left without a backward glance, it was cruel, vicious in fact. Yes, I admit, I have my share of these problems, but you refused to hear me nor even consider what I have to say. You just dropped everything and let fate take its course, expecting that I will be still here, and we can always patch up and try to make things right, pretending that it never happened. But sooner or later this issue will rise again and we will be on the same boat once more. We will hurt each other again, we will say words that we will regret later and I, I just cannot pretend that it will not matter, because it will." I was staring at my hands, at the dash board, anywhere, except meeting his stares, because if I will, I might lose all control and beg him to just hold me. But I cannot, he damaged me more than enough and when I already pick up the broken pieces, he, once again would do - intentionally or not, the inevitable.
"Are you seeing someone now," he asked carefully.
"Yes," I answered tightly. I cannot look at him, of fear that I will betray myself.
"I see. Are you... are you happy?" he asked again.
"Happiness is a choice, and I chose to be one," I answered in a small voice.
"Fine. Have it your way. We will not speak of this again." his voice so final.
This is so like him. He would not let me read him. He will cast me aside and indulge his pain in silence, pretending he is not affected. But the flicker of his surprise in my pronouncement was enough that he did not expect it. Then he caught himself and masked his face with indifference. Aloofness. As if bracing himself for another blow, but I kept mum. That is all I have to say in the subject.
He started the engine and said, "I will take you home now, thank you for your time, for the effort to see me." We drove in silence and I stared at the windows, willing myself not to cry of this finality, of the pain and the emptiness lying ahead. We passed several shops and gasoline stations and I said to myself that I will not pass this road again as I will remember this night once more.
We reached my place and I looked at him. He met my gaze with his very sad eyes. I will remember his eyes the most, flecked with thick lashes, the dimples in his left cheek, the smoothness of his shaven face. I want to bury my face in his neck like I used to but I cannot now. Not ever again. I touched his face with feathery movements, tracing his jaw line. I kissed his cheeks lightly and said my goodbye. I went out of the car and walked ahead the building, without a backward glance.I heard him roar away and I went back. For the last time, I want to watch him walk away once again in my life. This time with finality. I watched the tail lights of his car vanishing down the streets of Muraqqabat, turning left to exit Al Rigga. I stood in the pavements, with a heavy heart and a lump in my throat. Oh baby, if you could only love me better and make me a priority and not an option we will never reach this point. I was prepared to love and adore you for the rest of our lives.
