Sleep hasn't been kind to me these days. Well, life hasn’t
been either. Three weeks ago my almost unforgettable existence has been a
little more tolerable and I was openly enjoying the changes that have come into
fruition, I felt compelled to be happy and basked on the newness and that crisp
feeling that all is falling into places.
Until you decided to show up again and
ruin the almost perfect harmony of my life I was hell bent to create and
straighten out.
You and I and the history that was us. You and your perennial
habit of showing up when I am almost over you. To put it succinctly, you have
this built in radar that goes bonkers whenever I have stopped making a room for
your existence in my subconscious, that unwanted guest that occupied and
overstayed in my heart, the phantom that hovers above me.
The three little words you left on my messenger was enough
for me to hide for covers; but then again, we have this connection that even
the harshest of past thrown words would send us into a state of amnesia. I have
tried to look at the what-might-have-been and re-trace my steps on where we
have stopped caring for each other and instead, we have seen each other as
opponents on a battle we are doomed to lose. Admittedly, we have our rarest of
happy moments, those were the times that see each other eye to eye, but more
than often we crash into one another at high speeds and are proven fatal to
this fragile thing we cannot say and too
afraid to label.
You knew that I am with someone now and so are you. Yet, I can
sense that you have not yet moved on and keep on looking for similar grounds,
parallel traits that would be endearing to you. You were vocal that you cannot
feel anything, regardless of the freedom and the selection of nubile females
that is yours for the taking. You still believed that we still have it and you
are prepared to bring in the big guns to get me back. You know very well what I
want, what I have always wanted and you have laid all your cards on the table,
win or lose.
I listened to your subtle and saccharine induced words. When
it did not make any effect, you throw it your threats laced with love so
distorted only I can understand the gravity. Rants and rage was our common denominator and
you toss this to my direction, egging me to fight this off; my coldness and
reserved has thrown you off guard yet challenged me as you only know how. You
are right, you knew me like the back of your hand and you knew very well that
you and you alone can make me submit.
I would lie in bed knowing that you are down in my parking
lot on this unholy hour, looking at the dimly lighted window of my room. Your
message urging me to see you for a brief moment sent me scrambling on my front
door, yet I cannot find myself turning the key and unlocking this barrier that would
send me straight to your arms.
With downcast eyes and my head rested on the
wooden door, I decided for the hundredth time that we cannot be involved in
each other’s respective lives anymore. And you know why. We are the best and
worst things we do to ourselves. So I am choosing between the rock and the hard
place. And you don’t get to choose anything.
